Thank you, Amazon...Thank you so very effing much

18/02/17
Dear Amazon,
                                Recently you BLOCKED one of my books from being sold on your site as you believe it is in breach of copyright. If I am to understand correctly, my book is “widely available on the web”, therefore you doubt my authenticity as its original creator. I have a few important things to say in regards to this matter.

Number one, yes, ALL my books are widely available on the web, only legally available through AMAZON, IBOOKS, KOBO, AND BARNES&NOBLE, though. Ninety –nine point nine percent of other sites that distribute my books do so illegally, thanks to the intrepid and unforgiving nature of some readers who choose to ‘steal’ my work. Tirelessly I have fought the beast of piracy, outlaying sometimes great expense and an unfathomable amount of time sitting and drafting DMCA notices and hunting down the email addresses to forward them to, and I have been doing so since forty-eight hours after my very first book was published in 2013 - (Pirates, I have much to say to you, though I can sum it up with one perfectly poised middle finger). So, now while I fight to remove my files from HUNDREDS of file sharing sites, you block sales of my box set because it’s “widely available on the web”. Why, thank you, thank you so very freaking much for looking out for me.

Number two, when I have reached out to you to explain I am the publisher and original creator of the work, you’ve answered my email, TWICE NOW, with the same automated response (which I imagine would be delivered in an uptight nasal tone that would really get my panties in a bunch). Sit tight while I go copy and paste this awesome piece of advice you have so generously offered.  

Hello,
 
Thank you for your inquiry regarding the following book(s):
 
Mercy's Angels Box Set - 6416521
 
Please provide any documentation or other evidence that proves you have retained rights for the book(s) listed above. Acceptable documentation includes a legal agreement from the author or publisher verifying you retain exclusive publishing rights.
 
To learn more, please see:
https://kdp.amazon.com/help?topicId=A209YW3IYKYWFC
 
Please reply within 4 days to content-review@amazon.com with documentation, including the title and ID numbers of the books. If documentation is not received within 5 days, your book will not be made available for sale.
 
Best Regards,
 
Pierre 
Amazon.com
 
Oh thou art Pierre, you do have such an exotic and sexy name, but, I just want to flick you in the eye for this email…hard!
 
Number three…Have you even looked at my KDP account? Because, if you had you would notice that I have nine other books currently available through your site. Nine other books with my name to them, published to your site, four of which are from the very series you have so kindly BLOCKED, all for sale, with reviews, sales records, reports etc, from the minute I published them. If you were to take a cursory glance at my account anyone with a lick of common sense would realize I AM THE CREATOR OF THIS BOOK!
 
Lastly, for the second time you have requested permission from the publisher for me to publish this book. I don’t know if this is exactly legal, but, I’ll give it my best shot.
 
Dearest Amazon,
 
I, Kirsty Dallas, hereby give Kirsty Dallas permission to publish her books. She’s a cool, small time, independently published author who would never rip off her own work, or anybody’s for that matter. She would be happy to share her Kindle and iTunes purchases with you to prove she is a FANATIC buyer of media like books, music and movies. You could say it’s her weakness, she even had to quit her crack cocaine habit to support her unhealthy addiction of buying books and supporting the authors she loves. She can provide you with the original manuscript filled with such deplorable mistakes it would make you beat your head against a wall and wonder how on earth did this chick become an author. She can also provide you with the name of her editor in the States whose husband is a Texas Law Man and would gladly explain to you how unnervingly annoying she has been in questioning them both for the last three years about US law, weapons and dumb-ass shit that any Joe in the US would probably know. She has also given permission for you to ring her mumma, who birthed her and painfully read every lame word she ever wrote, as a personal referee to the authenticity you are questioning.
 
We dutifully request that you re-publish the Mercy’s Angels Box Set, with all the existing reviews.
 
Signed,
Kirsty Dallas
p.s I’m just joking about the cocaine
p.p.s Did swearing in this legal document make it void?